Macchiato -- MAH-KEE-AH-TOE (sayin' it slowly)
All I ever want from an espresso bar is a macchiato. I do not want a CARAMEL Macchiato, which is what the Starbuck's crew often assumes. And then, because Starbuck's has made the macchiato profane by prepending the caramel, I am often confronted at other establishments with the question, "Do you mean 'Starbuck's style'?"
To which I must always roll my eyes and sigh knowingly and say, "Absolutely not. I mean, a real macchiato."
Another issue at Starbuck's is the question, "What size?"
This is my order: "Triple, non-fat espresso macchiato."
And the uninitiated behind the counter always queries, "What size?"
The size is triple, dipshit -- there's no Tall, Grande, Venti attached to the macchiato sizing -- only number of shots. I say this to myself and politely respond, "ESPRESSO macchiato, not caramel macchiato -- I'd like a triple."
They often look at me with a dumbfounded look upon their face until one of their colleagues approaches and explains to them while pointing at buttons on the cash register, "It's a macchiato--it's just espresso shots with foam."
Then, the helpful, more experienced Starbuck's barista picks up an espresso paper cup and writes MAC on it. "See, like this."
Well, today, my never-ending quest for the easy-order macchiato reached an all-time low. I was on my way to Wheelworks to pick up a Trico case in which to pack up my downhill bike for the plane and I stopped at the Starbuck's on Harvard Street near Commonwealth. I pulled right up to an open meter spot in front of the door, feeling that my luck was looking good. I went inside and delivered the order, "Triple, non-fat macchiato, please."
The guy behind the counter didn't quite get it. "What size?"
"No, just a macchiato -- no caramel. A triple."
"Oh." He hunts a bit on the register keys and rings it up properly. As I am handing him the money, I notice that the barista is grabbing a tall cup instead of the espresso cup. I worry momentarily, but think, 'nah, she heard me clarify about the caramel.'
I pay and move over to stand quietly in the designated waiting spot. The barista shortly thereafter places the tall cup on the counter and announces, "Triple macchiato."
I approach and take the cup. It is heavy. The macchiato by definition cannot be heavy -- it is espresso and foam. I pause to consider whether or not I want to deal with the issue. I do. I need my macchiato and I don't want to drink warm milk with a little espresso mixed in.
"Did you put liquid in this?" I inquire.
"Yeah, did you just want foam?" She asks with a stupefied look on her face.
"Well, you stupid idiot, yes I did -- that's why I ordered a MAH-KEE-AH-TOE. Espresso and foam." I said in my head and out loud, I said, "Yes, I just wanted foam."
And then, adding insult to injury, she has the audacity to state, "Well, you should order it dry, then."
DRY! What part of espresso and foam needs to be clarified by the word 'dry'? I used to order a dry cappuccino, but they never could get it dry enough (i.e., they always added too much liquid). Then, I started ordering a cappuccino with just foam, which they sometimes could do, but would often just add that little drop of liquid, like, "she couldn't possibly just want foam -- surely a little liquid. . ."
Finally, I realized that the macchiato price was significantly less than the cappuccino price and that, since I only wanted foam, it made more sense to order the macchiato. In fact, I think it was a nice dyke barista in Chestnut Hill who turned me on to this fact. The only problem with this is that ninety percent of the Starbuck's baristas are entirely unaware that they have a drink called the macchiato and that it consists only of espresso and foam. Most other coffee houses, however, are keen to this drink.
Anyway, she seems so self-righteous when she insists that I need to order it dry, that I had to respond. "Well, actually, a macchiato is just espresso and foam."
Again, she gives me the stupefied look, "Oh, really?"
I nod. I feel bad telling anyone how to do their job, but in this instance I had no choice.
Macchiato -- espresso and foam. It's so simple and yet it causes me so much distress in my attempts to acquire the beautiful beverage.
