DermerDays

I continue to picture Mary P. and wonder about the logic of this world. I do know that she would be saying 'right on' to me about my upcoming adventure.

My friend, Nat, of "Commit to the Line" fame is taking me on a trip to Costa Rica to go Mountain Biking. She works with Big Mountain and somehow has managed to procure a two person trip (free!). Anyway, I leave tomorrow to fly to Toronto. There, I meet Nat and we fly to Costa Rica on the 26th. I am both excited and, of course, afraid. Fear and trepidation never cease to haunt me.

Because I am bringing my wonderful bike with me, I had to take it in for a tune-up. I also had bent two teeth on the chainring and needed to get that fixed. The boys at the bike shop were quite impressed with the fact that I had bent the teeth even with a bash guard in place. That made me feel somewhat like a badass. I also needed to get new wheels for my bike. After all, a trip to Costa Rica surely warrants my first swap out of the stock parts on this bike. I wanted UST (tubeless) and I wanted Mavic, of course. So, I now have the Mavic Crossmax SX wheelset on my Specialized Enduro. Beautiful.

I was driving home with the bike on my roof rack and had to stop at the JP 7-11 to pick up some Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Brownie ice cream for Milissa. I pulled into the parking lot and parked next to a police truck. An officer was sitting in the passenger seat and as I stood up and closed my car door, he said, "that's some bike."

"Yeah, I like it," I replied proudly.

"Did you custom build that?"

"No, but I did just get some new wheels for a trip."

"Yeah? Where you goin'?"

"Costa Rica," I said.

"Ah. Are ya gonna need to bring a . . ." he asked as he made his hand into the universal symbol for gun -- thumb up and first finger pointed while the others are bent into the palm. Then he closed his thumb onto the first finger twice to indicate shooting.

"I don't think so," I replied, shocked.

"Did ya check it out, tho'?" he asked.

"Uh. Sure." I said.

"Have a good trip," he said.

"I will," I replied and walked into the 7-11 to search for the ice cream.

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I came to my studio today hoping to work on some projects that have been on the back burner because of more pressing deadlines. The first order of business, however, was to photograph myself in a new jacket that my Canadian pal, Nat, sent to me. She's always giving me jackets -- we share a love of jackets. Anyway, this jacket is sweet and I love it. Milissa says I look good in it. I took a picture to send to Nat and then came over to my computer to check my email. I haven't checked it since Friday. I dread checking my email, answering the phone, opening mail. . .I am so afraid of bad news.

Today I opened an email from a friend from the cancer support group I used to attend at the Wellness Community. She was writing to let me know that Mary (one of the three women on the couch) passed away on Thursday. I just can't take it. It doesn't make any sense and I feel like I am never going to escape the clutches of cancer. Why am I okay now and Mary just died? What's the sense? Where's the logic? Where's the fairness? She has two teenage daughters -- what about them? It's not fair.

The worst part is that Mary and Stephanie had called me a few months ago to have dinner and I never called back. I was busy, but also it is so painful to be around people from the group who are still battling cancer. I feel like a selfish asshole. Mary was so kind to me and I cared very deeply for her. She was a remarkable person and I couldn't even get myself together enough to have dinner with her.

I hate cancer, I hate it so much.

Posted by at 12:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)